珍珠妹就是我.......

今天和幾個FB group 的女孩談起 domestic violence，我分享了以前寫在部落格的經驗，她們也分享了自己的經驗，我發現我們經驗過的暴力男，都很會情緒勒索。情緒勒索這四個字在這幾年越來越常在網路上看到。最近是在“貴婦奈奈”的部落格讀到的，而且當時有點想寫自己的經驗，但是一忙起來就沒寫了。既然要每天寫，那麼今天就不寫日記，來拿這個為主題吧。

前男友 Tony 是個非常擅長情緒勒索的人。我剛剛翻了翻舊的 email，隨便一篇就有例子：

我們是2014年的八月底開始同居的。這是他在 4/7/15 (第二次動手之後) 寫的：
I won't keep alcohol around when you come back, but I can't promise you that I won't keep punishing myself this week.  I just hope I don't do anything permanent.  This is how it was before you came back.  I had such a sad existence then, but if death and/or alcohol poisoning is what results now, I deserve it because I hurt you.

I'm sorry Pearl.  Just hoping for another chance.

打苦情招，我當時很單純的相信了。那個週末他媽媽就讓他來接我回去。

結果幾個禮拜後就故態復萌，而且不管我做什麼，他都不滿意。這是一個例子：

I wish you would practice calling me more, but you don't.  I spent the morning with Brother E and his wife called him at least three times to let him know what she was up to.  I ask you to do this, but you refuse to comply.

It's like sticking a needle in my heart and you know that, but you enjoying hurting me.  Thus I will purposely make some new female companions when I go out today.  It's my way of getting even.

Anyway, have a good day because I will.  Adios.

可是在那之前，我打電話都找不到人(公司，家裡，手機)，所以才用email。而且說真的，我的個性就是比較獨立，不是會一直查勤或一直 check-in 的，但是對他這種沒有安全感的人，就代表我一定不愛他/一定是不忠。那次我受不了，直接回說 I'm not sure what to do anymore.
Last week I called and called, you weren't at {work}, didn't have the {work} phone with you, so I finally left a message on your personal cell phone.  You were upset with me for not e-mailing you. 
So today, knowing that you will be out at a meeting, I e-mailed you. Yet you're not happy with me.  So please tell me what to do, because I don't want to upset you anymore.  Knowing that you're upset with me and thinking that I'm purposely doing so, I'm upset with myself.  It's like I'm walking on egg shells. (粗體和線是現在才加的，當時沒有)  I can't keep taking all the emotional rollercoaster anymore.  

結果他怎麼回？

Lots of emotion here.

Fine.  I'm done.

和他在一起的那一年半，真的是雲霄飛車，尤其在第一次被揍之後。基本上就是：

1. 揍人
2. 我離開(去他媽媽那邊待一個禮拜)
3. 他道歉，保證會改變，保證不再喝酒，他媽媽要我回去他身邊
4. 大概有 2-3 個禮拜的平靜期
5. 不過還是會喝酒，只是會比較少，然後慢慢再增加數量
6. 再開始嫌棄我 (我的個性我的行為我的身材 etc)
7. 暴躁脾氣再現
8. 忍不住再找藉口揍人

從 1 到 8 大概是兩三個月的事情吧。而且每次我離開後，他就開始用情緒勒索的方式要求我回去，尤其是 “妳再不回來，我也沒有活下去的意義” + 他可以讓自己死掉的方式。

他非常的沒有安全感，從一開始就是這樣。所以只要我沒有接他電話，或是沒有馬上回他的 email，他就會開始發脾氣，說我一定是在跟別的男人講話等等。還有，他要我把自己打扮的好看點，但是看到別的男人注意我時，他又要不爽，說我是為了吸引別的男人才刻意打扮，那麼他也要去找別的女人等等。

因為自己經歷過，所以一看到/聽到 “情緒勒索” 這四個字，我馬上就想到前男友的所作所為。

只能說，我很幸運遇到 Minh，一個雖然偶爾回鬧彆扭，但是絕對不會用情緒勒索來對待我，而且愛我又對我很好的好男人。