珍珠妹就是我.......

While searching through my gmail for information, I came across an e-mail he wrote in late 2005. I remember that things weren't well at all.... they were so bad that on December 10, 2005, I attempted suicide.

The difference is that now I see clearly what he was doing and don't believe a word of what he wrote about me, while back then I believed him and thought that I really was that terrible person he said i was. What were his words?

"You are so very unfeminine at times and I hate it. You say you'll change and you never do. I feel stuck. If sitting on your ass, eating to rediculous amounts to get fat, and running your mouth 24/7 were a class, you would have an A. And I am seeing other people but that hasn't stopped you. You just keep up with nasty habits in spite of losing me, little by little. You obviously don't care anymore, else you would do what it takes to look good, without having to be reminded. You wanted to make love yesterday night, but are you kidding me. You carry yourself like a rag and expect me to touch you, or let you touch me? In case you missed American Beauty 'My sexual life is fantastic for your information" but that's the life we live.' "

Nobody is perfect - but I'm far from the fat & disgusting person that he made me believe that I was. I'd lost so much weight that my jeans were loose, I was wearing medium size clothing, instead of the extra-large that I wore the previous year.

Why am I justifying myself? I think because I want to reaffirm to myself that his words were full of lies and brainwash in attempt to completely control me. First break my spirit, for I have a strong one, then take completely control.

He did almost break me - almost - that's the keyword. I almost lost my mind and still can't believe that I felt so defeated that I thought suicide was the only way out of that situation. I'm glad that it failed. I'm glad that I woke up. I'm glad that I got out, though much later than I should have.

Does it hurt to read those words? Of course it still does, but not as much as before. Now it gets me for a few seconds, then the pain goes away, and I shrug it off, knowing that his words are full of shit.

Why am I still keeping these emails? I know why... I want to one day expose the ugly truth. He wasn't stupid - he knew to not mention about beating me up. He used code words like "when things got hot" which means "when I couldn't control myself and beat the shit out of you".

Maybe - just maybe I should still find a therapist.